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| Current mood:  amused So Linden pulled up to the house today to witness a disturbing event, one that I believe has been going on for quite some time now.
Linden texts Janelle: "Birds are making out on our roof. Why?"
Janelle texts Linden: "Haha. Cause someone at our house needs to get some."
Linden texts Janelle: "That's what I thought. No fair! God takes care of the birds how much more will He take care of us."
Janelle texts Linden: "I literally laughed out loud."
If you're reading this around the date it was posted, check my myspace song. It goes with the blog, www.myspace.com/passionlovetruth . | | |
| Current mood:  exhausted
On
most days, I love my life. I get to do the most amazing things with my
life, everyday I get to do things at work, in ministry, in activism and
in outreach that make a difference. It's the most amazing life.
But today was hard.
I was overwhelmed.
I felt the weight of my psychotic and impossible schedule.
To be frank, I just didn't feel good enough.
I
felt the weight of all the lives that look to me for answers, who look
to me for strength, who look to me for help. And today, I couldn't be
strong any longer. I had a meltdown on the kitchen floor and cried. I
finally let it all out.
But you know what I realized? Crying is
a good thing. Taking a deep breath is a good thing. Letting my
roommates talk to me and hold me (releasing oxytocin and reducing
cortisol!) is a good thing.
Even superwoman cries. Even though
she is superwoman, she is still a woman. She is still a mere mortal.
Sometimes, tears just have to come out. I realized that just because
she cries, it doesn't mean she's any less super. It's just a reminder
that she is a woman, an amazing woman. She's not God and does not
pretend to be nor want to be. She is a woman.
So here is a reminder to myself and all my super sisters and brothers:
Cry
me a river. Let the floodgates open. Let the river flow. It's okay to
cry. Crying is cathartic. So long as after you cry, you dust yourself
off, reground yourself in the Truth and the Word and continue being
super, even if you have tears in your eyes. Your strength shouldn't
come from yourself anyway, but from your very Supernatural God.
| | |
| So here it comes, the expected singleness blog.
I've always
joked that I would one day write a book about being single. It would be
a funny book, candid and easy to relate to. It would have chapters like
"being single in the church: the last of the deadliest sins," "being a
single filipino: don't get too picky," "advice from the elders: make a
move," "dating the idiot: when the red flags pop up, RUN away...",
"adventures of the lost art of singleness: doing everything you've ever
dreamed," and "life on the couch: the chatterings of the roommates."
Don't steal my ideas.
Can
I make a confession? And maybe I'm just saying this because I'm oddly
compelled to spill my guts out on the freaking internet, or maybe
because someone needs to know they aren't crazy (or maybe they are, and
I am too!)...
Sometimes singleness is just too much.
This is what is so stinking hard: waiting. Well, at least for me. I'm really quite impatient.
I'm pretty good at communicating, and communicating feelings even.
I'm
a pretty vulnerable person. I invite people into my life and allow most
to see many parts of me. This blog is probably an unwise example. I
generally find it to be a good quality.
But I guess it's tricky when
you like someone. It's so annoying the whole "don't let them know
you're crazy about them but you can hint," and "don't chase, but be
chased."
It's so, so, so annoying to me. Probably because I'm less logic driven and more emotion driven, "If I want to call, I'm gonna."
But then I find that I've been so accessible that the sucker doesn't even have to work for anything, and that's crap.
Because you know what I realized? I want the man to work a little.
No girl will tell you she doesn't want a hero.
I'm not a fan of overly romantic movies like the Titanic or the Notebook.
But I do want a hero. It's embedded within a woman. I want a man to fight for me, fight for my honor damit.
So, I retreat and allow God to move, instead of moving everything myself.
It's hard and annoying.
Do guys even notice?
What I Love About Being Single
I
love my freedom. I can't wait to be a mom. I've dreamed of having kids
since I was one. But I guess as I've gotten older, I've come to realize
how different life is single.
I love doing whatever I want whenever I want with whomever I want and paying how ever much I want.
I love that my dreams and the pursuit of them is at my fingertips.
I love my roommates; chats and laughs, tears and love.
I
love the idea of really, really having myself together before I get
married: being established, being debt free, being restored, being a
real adult and knowing myself well.
Singleness is so much fun: the
random pick-up lines, the hilarious dating stories, the wondering if
you're falling in love, the shopping for the perfect outfit, the
suckerpunch to the face when you were very blind, and the suckerpunch
to the gut when the person didn't reciprocate.
In the End
I don't think love will come that quickly to me.
I'd like for it to boldly proclaim itself tomorrow, but I really don't think that's gonna happen soon.
And
do you want to know something? I'm ok with that. No really, I am.
Despite the tears and the ache, I am. Because God knows what He is
doing and it's wise to not hasten love.
You know, Pastor Sue says,
"A woman in ministry is a different kind of animal." It's true. I need
one hell of a man to stand up tall and be my covering, my hero and
protector. As much as I am a strong woman, and I am, I (as we all do)
want that! So I'm willing to wait it out.
Trust v. Faith. For a
while, I've really focused on the fact that I'm trusting God with this
area of my life, and other areas of my life. What is interesting about
trust v. faith, is that we often use the words as synonyms when really
they aren't.
Trust implies a sort of passive assurance.
Faith on
the other hand, is active. It's an active pursuit. And without it, it's
impossible to please God. And by faith and patience do we receive the
promises of God (Heb 6).
God is good! He is able to do exceedingly,
abundantly above all I can ask or think according to the power at work
within me (Eph 3:20)
...and I've realized I'm worthy of being pursued by an amazing man that I adore... so I will wait for that. =)
Singleness:
it's a love-hate relationship. Somedays it's mostly love. Somedays it's
mostly hate. Most of the days it's a love-hate. | | |
| Current mood:  thankful
Dear Janelle,
1. It pleases me when you trust me.
2. Be faithful to what I've given you.
3. I see all your hard work. I haven't forgotten you.
I love you,
God | | |
| "The preparations of the heart belong to man,
But the answer of the tongue is from the Lord...
Commit your works to the Lord,
And your thoughts will be established...
A man's heart plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps." Prov 16:1,3 & 9
In seeking the Lord about decisions and directions, I find much safety and security in these verses. I find myself stepping confidently forward, all the while dreaming of and believing for that is in my heart. The roles are rather clear. My role is to prepare my heart. My role is to dream and plan, wish and hope. My role is to do all as unto the Lord. Lately as I've been praying I keep hearing, "Be faithful to what I've given you." My role is faithfulness. My role is obedience and seeking God. As I do my part, I can trust God to do His. He will direct me. He will establish the desires of my heart, and even more than I could've dreamed of on my own. God will speak and when God speaks, that which was non-existent, exists. All at the mere breath of God, planets were formed. It's utterly amazing the God we serve. I type this overwhelmed and in awe, eyes filled with tears of gratitude and wonder, of aspiration and joy. I often look at my life and the promises of God and future that's ahead and the past that is no more and wonder how I got to be in the place. Why me? I'm so thankful. Just so thankful. And when I'm struggling with uncertainty, and doubt, and merely wanting what I don't yet have, I remind myself of the grand adventure I'm on. I get to play several roles, it's amazing it seems, that I could be a lady anxiously waiting her prince, and also a great hero, not a hero in and of myself, but one that gets to offer the Greatest Hero of All Heroes. He is truly great. I'm truly astounded by His ability and wonder. I'm comforted by His plans. I'm confident that they are greater than my own. And I find rest in all that He is. | | |
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